Western philosophy begins around 500 B.C. with Thales, who believed water was everything; Heraclitus, who believed change was everything; and Parmenides, who believed nothing changed. Athens's golden age came around 400 B.C., with Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle as its primary figures. What you need to know: Socrates was killed by the city of Athens because he asked too many bothersome questions and seduced too many young men; Plato, Socrates's student, hated Athens for killing his teacher (his philosophy is nothing but an expression of this hate); and Aristotle, a student of Plato, was almost killed by Athens but got out of town just in time ("I will not give Athens a second opportunity to commit a crime against philosophy," Aristotle said as he ran from the city with his belongings). As for the Romans, they did not philosophize. The next important period for philosophy is the 13th century with the Scholastics—all they could think about was Aristotle. After the Scholastics, we leap to the end of the 18th century and enter what we now call German Idealism (from Kant to Marx). After German Idealism, there's Heidegger—he became a Nazi. After Heidegger, there are the French Nietzschians. After their work (mostly produced around 1968), the story of speculative philosophy comes to an end. That's all, folks.

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